wow, have i ever had a weekend. and, i'm really confused and need somewhere to write it down, so i'll write it down here. i hope nobody finds it.
it's sunday night, now - almost monday morning. i'm supposed to go right to sleep, but i'm wide awake, so i'll write. i usually go to dad's on the weekend; i didn't go last weekend, because he had to go away. but, he usually picks me and my sister up on fridays and drops us off on sunday afternoons. this week, he kept us until the very end of the day, and dropped us off with tony. tony says he doesn't know where mom is, but he thinks she's probably ok and should be back "in a few days". if she doesn't come back in a few days, well...we'll take it from there. that's what he said. but, he thinks she'll be back.
i think he's right.
i'm actually used to mom disappearing for a few days when she gets sick, and she's always come back before. i didn't tell them she was sick, though. and, somebody usually knows where she is. nobody knows where she is, this time. and, tony's really worried because she's pregnant. mom was even so sick that she was smoking, and i know she shouldn't smoke when she's pregnant because it can hurt the baby. i think being sick is bad for the baby, but i know smoking is. i can't tell him what really happened, though - i can only write it down in here.
so, this is what really happened, and i can only hope nobody finds this notepad. nobody comes in here. i clean in here, when it has to be cleaned. i don't think anybody would even think to search down here, because i'm so well-behaved and polite. i could have piles of rotting, dead corpses in here, and nobody would ever suspect it.
i came upstairs on friday around noon, after i made myself lunch, which i ate downstairs by myself, and mom said i had to go outside. i had just come up from watching this video by this crazy person named
prince called
batdance, so i was singing
baaatmaaan and dancing silly, but not like in the video
. i thought the video was really weird and the singer was sort of gross. but, i also thought it was kind of interesting. i think i like it, but i don't know, yet. maybe i don't, but i think i do. i watch the old batman from the olden days sometimes so i know who he is. anyways, i was singing
baaaaatmaaann, baaaaaatmaaaaan and mom said i had to stop and go play outside instead. and i know what that means, it means she's going to be sick for a little while.
but, the last time i played outside, somebody punched me in the eye. i didn't want to go back out there. no way, jose!
she said it's ok because i know karate now, but that isn't true, and i get upset when people tell me things that aren't true. so, she went to the drawer and took out a spatula and threatened to hit me with it if i didn't go outside, which made me think she must be getting really sick, and made me want to do karate, but i didn't. i just went out front and sat on the green box and waited for dad to come get me.
a few seconds later, i looked up and mom was yelling at me to get away from the house. i had to go to the park, or the pool, or somewhere else that was not on the street, i wasn't allowed to just sit outside the house. i didn't want to, but i know that mom doesn't make any sense when she's sick, so i decided to go for a walk around the block and go back to waiting for dad when i got back.
as i was walking down the street, i looked back and saw mom standing out on the sidewalk, making sure i was really gone. she yelled at me to keep going. wow, i thought to myself, she's really sick today.
i noticed the mean kids at the park as i walked by, so i didn't want to go there. i'm glad they didn't see me. but there were some other kids near the store that i hadn't seen before. they were a little older, but they were still kids - or, that's what i thought, anyways. they called me over to talk to them. i normally would be too afraid to go talk to them, but i wasn't excited about going back to get yelled at by mom, so i thought maybe i could waste a few minutes talking to them. they thought i was too young to go out by myself, but i told them i go out by myself all the time, because mom asks me to. for example, mom often sends me to the store by myself to buy cigarettes. the store clerk thinks i'm too young to smoke, so he sells them to me. he always shakes his head when i come in and i can tell he's not happy about it. i think i probably shouldn't be allowed to buy cigarettes, even if they aren't for me. but, i have to listen to mom because she's mom.
it turns out that the big kids wanted me to go to the cliff with them to swing on the rope. i had no idea what they were talking about, but it sounded exciting - like something in a book. i asked them if it was dangerous and they said "no" and rolled their eyes. so, i decided i should go and see it, and just not swing on it if it's too dangerous. that's ok, right?
we walked along the big road, called "bridle path", until we got to a sidewalk that went between a row of houses and an industrial area, which i knew not to go into because it was fenced off. almost right off the sidewalk, in a small forested patch, there was a tree overhanging a 10 foot drop. a rope dangled harmlessly out of the tree. what the big kids did was take a run towards the "cliff" and jump on to the rope, then swing back and forth until they landed back on the cliff that they had jumped off of in the first place. i could see that this was safe for them, but they were a lot taller than me, and i realized i couldn't do what they were doing until i was a big kid, too. so, i took a step back and said "i'll just watch". i still had some time to wait for dad to pick me up.
but, the big kids were mean, too, it turned out. it didn't bother me that they called me names for not wanting to run and jump at the rope, i just turned to leave to go wait for dad somewhere else. but, they wouldn't let me leave; when i tried, they grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me towards the cliff, telling me i had to do it. i struggled, but they were just bigger than i was, so i couldn't stop them. they were laughing because they thought it was funny, until they managed to spin me around, so i was facing the cliff, and get me close enough to the edge to lift me off the ground, rotate me to the horizontal position, pull me back a little in an arc of my future forward momentum, and then launch me, head first, into the air, towards the rope, which i didn't actually come close to intersecting paths with.
it was only ten feet, but time slows down when you're airborne, and i was launched into it, face-first - first up a little and then straight down. the experience of losing touch with the ground was not entirely void of pleasure, so i wish i could have better enjoyed that fraction of a second, that minuscule segment of time, where i saw the clouds moving towards me, and was suspended in nothingness, when i had the presence of mind to wonder if i could fly off to the top of the tree, and if everything would be ok, after all. then, the industrial park comes back into focus, and, sharply, the descent asserts itself; i distinctly recall understanding the ground beneath me, futilely attempting to adjust to protect myself and then realizing, in horror, that it was nothing but rock and there was no way i could prevent the inevitable imminent collision with my oncoming face. all i could do was close my eyes and brace for impact.
i'm probably lucky that my skull held.
after an unknown amount of time had elapsed, in which the status of my consciousness is not clear from memory, i opened my eyes and sat up. the first thing i noticed was a trickle of blood coming from my nose. so, i did what you would expect me to do - i started crying. but, nobody came to help.
instead, i looked up and noticed that the mean big kids were also cowardly, and had run away. big, mean and cowardly. i didn't ask them their names, and i'll probably never see them again. i don't even know if they live around here at all.
so, the first thing i had to do was climb out of the cliff, which was taller than me. and i had to climb out of the cliff because i was surrounded by barbed wire fence. after looking around a little, i was able to find a tree root that gave me a boost for my feet, and i was then able to pull myself up using a branch, like i used to when i climbed up the water heater and under the holes in the basement stairs when i was really little. once i got back up to ground level, i desperately called out - and what does one say?
i said...
help!
it turns out that one of the big kids was there the whole time, and he came out with a giant tree branch and told me to run off, and then threatened to hurt me with the branch if i didn't. he also told me not to tell anybody what happened. i ran all the way to the space between the row houses, before i got off hunter's point and back to farriers lane, where i knew i was safe. farriers lane is home base - nothing bad happens there.
that's when i noticed the headache, and that i was really tired, but i thought maybe it was from running so fast. i can run faster than the other kids, but i get tired just like they do, too. so, i walked the rest of the way and went to open the door...
it was locked. and, i didn't have a key.
mom only locks the door when she's sick. but, i had to get a bandaid. she'd let me in for a bandaid, right? so, i knocked on the door.
at first there was no answer. all i could hear was
some terrible music playing, which always happens when mom is really sick. but, i really needed a band-aid so i knocked on the door. and banged on it. and rang the doorbell.
eventually, mom came to the door. her belly was very big, because she was very pregnant. she had a cigarette in one hand and a clear bottle that said vodka on it in her other hand. i don't know exactly what that is, but i know it's what makes her sick. she gave me no chance to respond before she screamed, as loud as she could,
get out of here! get out of here! get out of here!
and, that was all there was to it - there was nothing to say, no debate to be had, merely a dictate to immediately leave.
and, then the door shut again. so, i sat down, and heard the curtains in the kitchen window ruffle behind me, before the door re-opened and the hard face of the spatula came down across my shoulders. and, she began again:
get out of here! get out of here! go! get!
i had to get up immediately, or risk further attacks. so, that is what i did.
i didn't have a watch, but i guessed that dad would be there in less than an hour, if he was on time, which he isn't always. but, sometimes he's early, too. i could no longer stay awake, and i did not feel it was safe to sleep in the front of the house, so i tried to move towards the backyard, where there are less people, if i couldn't go in the house to sleep there.
at first, i found it hard to move, and i fell over a few times on my way around the house. as i fell, i felt a weight pulling me down, and a difficulty generating the energy required to walk. but, after a few tries, after a few stops to rest, i did manage to make it to the backyard of the house, where i entered through the back gate and sat down behind a large, green weed. the backyard was neither mowed nor gardened, but was rather left to the weeds to grow in, in tremendous sizes, some much larger than myself. there had been both raccoons and skunks in the yard, at different points in my childhood, but they had both been removed, at this time.
the curtains over the sliding door going into the backyard were always closed, so, with the music blaring, she didn't notice i was there; if she had, she would have chased me off. once in a safe place, i wiped the blood off my nose, cleared a space in the weeds, lied down and went to sleep. the music from inside was very loud, but it did not prevent me from sleeping.
i woke up in the children's hospital of eastern ontario with several doctors hovering over me and asking me questions that i did not understand. i found it difficult to speak. they insisted i smell things to stay awake, and i did. eventually, dad came in and started asking me questions, and i understood those better. nana was also asking questions, and i understood those, too.
when they asked me what happened, i told them the story up until i got back to farriers lane and then told them i didn't remember anything after that. but, i did.
they made me stay in the hospital all the way until saturday morning because they wanted to "observe me". and, then they let me go to dad's on saturday night and we had pizza and dad watched the hockey game. dad doesn't get sick like mom, but sometimes he gets a little silly. that's ok. he said he was really confused when he found me outside and didn't know what to do, and was worried he might have to miss the game because of it, but he's glad i'm ok, now.
the doctors said i had something called a concussion and they say i'll have to go back to the hospital later, but for now i'm ok to go home and sleep and do whatever else, except i shouldn't play outside for a while, i should stay inside and read, instead.
that sounds like a good idea to me!
what i was reading before i had to go outside was another isaac asimov book nana gave me called
the complete robot. this is a book all about robots. i was hoping that i'd know everything about robots after i finished reading it, and even know how to make one, but it's actually just
stories about robots. so, it's not as good as i wanted. but, stories can be fun, too. some silly people are afraid of robots, but i'm not afraid of robots because robots can't hurt people because they're not mean. they're just robots. but, people are mean. so, people can hurt people, and i wonder if maybe we could make different robots, ones that aren't like the ones in the book, that might hurt people, because people are mean. but, if we do that, it won't be because robots are mean, but because people are mean. and, i
know people are mean.
tony wants me to show him where the rope is so he can cut it off with a knife, so we're going to do that when i can go out again, next month.
for now, i have to stay inside and read, even when mom gets home. she's not allowed to tell me to go out and play, at least not for a few weeks.
